


fixing bridges

by imposterhuman



Series: school spirit, DEH style [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: This Is Sad, also a mess, angsty, but angstier, but hes trying, connor wants to be a Good Brother, connor was kindof a dick, heh what is dialogue, set in the same verse as the rest of my DEH fics, sorry - Freeform, this is 100 percent internal monologue oops, zoe is too pure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 21:43:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11322321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imposterhuman/pseuds/imposterhuman
Summary: Connor musing on his relationship with his sisterbecause i am a SUCKER for Healthy Sibling Relationships (or at least, the start of them)





	fixing bridges

**Author's Note:**

> so this is some Angst 
> 
> lil different from how i normally write, tell me how that works out
> 
> sibling relationships are important and i dont feel like thats discussed enough here

Connor knew he had fucked up in the past. He used to keep a list of everything he needed to apologize for, but it became too hard to look at. It wasn’t like he needed it, anyway, everything he did was branded across his mind, to be replayed during his episodes of self loathing. 

Most of all, he knew he had fucked up when it came to his family. He had already burned the bridges with his parents; there was just too much pain and hurt there for him to fix all alone. The only salvageable family he had left was Zoe. He knew how badly he fucked up when it came to her. He knew how badly he had hurt her. She had every right to hate him. 

_So why doesn’t she?_ he mused. 

She was always the first to check on him, a tentative knock on a door or a text when he wasn’t home. She was the one who found him, everytime he hurt himself too badly. She bandaged him up when he couldn’t be bothered to do it himself. She consistently stole his blades and threw out his weed. After his first overdose, she was there, forcing him to throw it all up. Connor remembered telling her that she should’ve let him die.

_ Why? All I ever did was hurt her. _

Connor remembered screamed death threats, splinters from banging on her door, weeks where he wouldn’t acknowledge her existence. He felt sick, remembering how he threw things,  _ dangerous  _ things, at her in fits of rage, and never apologizing afterwards. He remembered hearing her cry and never going to comfort her. He remembered her whispers to their mother;  _ “I’m scared of him,” _ she’d said.

They used to be so close. When they were little, before Connor got sick. Their year apart meant nothing- they might as well have been twins. They had their own secret language that they used around the grown ups. They were inseparable. ConnorandZoe. 

_ How did we get here?  _ he wondered.

He’d been trying, recently, to make up for the past. But every time she looked at him, all he could think of was his shortcomings as a brother, and he was  _ certain  _ that was all she saw. All he could think of were all of the olive branches she’d extended in the past that he burned to ashes. How she’d snuck him dinner when his dad locked him in his room. How he had told her to fuck off and leave him alone, and how she had run away like a kicked puppy.

_ She was only 12, why did I do that? _

He had eaten the food. 

_ I never said thank you…  _ Connor thought guiltily.

He remembered her screaming at her parents that he was sick and needed help. He remembered them screaming back at her, telling her that she didn’t understand anything about him. He had shouted down at all of them to hurt each other silently, because he was trying to sleep off a hangover.

He remembered her  _ voluntarily  _ walking in to the swirling storm of his anger to try to get him to calm down. She had been the only one able to do that, at least in the beginning. She put a hand on his arm, trying to bring him him down.  _ “Con, Connor, don’t do this,”  _ she’d whispered. “ _ Come back to us.” _

_ She was too good to me.  _

Lately, things had been better. Connor had been trying to be a good brother, someone she could be proud of. He had been making amends, apologizing for the past. He tried to be there for her,was there when she got her heart broken and she couldn’t stop crying, was there when she got a new crush and just wanted to talk about it. He kept his door (which she had gotten him back) open, so she could always come in. He was there when she just wanted to come in and cry. He put himself between his parents’ anger and her, trying to make up for the years where he stood back and watched. He tried to put her first, in return for all the times she did.

_ Will it ever be enough? _

He still came up short, a million different ways. He waved off her worry, then sat alone and self destructed. He still said hurtful things without thinking, and ran away, apologies sticking in his throat. He still blew up at her and everyone around him. He still went where she couldn’t follow, where no one could follow. 

There was so much he wanted to tell her. He wanted to apologize, first and foremost, for how  _ awful  _ he had been to her for years. He wanted to apologize for every time he told her to leave him alone so he could hurt himself. He wanted to apologize for not noticing how much he was hurting her. He also wanted to tell her how much he loved her. How he wished he had shown it, for all of the years where it seemed to everyone like he hated her. Most of all, he wanted to thank her. He wanted to thank her for reaching out to him when he didn’t want it. For forcing him to get out of bed most mornings. For making him eat when all he wanted to do was waste away. For just  _ knowing  _ when something was about to happen and then saving him from himself. 

So Connor had fucked up a lot of things. He knew it, everyone knew it. A lot of things were unfixable, and he knew that too. But the one thing he was determined to fix was him and Zoe. He wanted to be ConnorandZoe again, not just Zoe, and oh hey look! Connor’s there too! He needed to fix this bridge, before it burned away too.

_ I’m going to make this right.  _ Connor decided.  _ Just wait and see. _

He couldn’t erase the past. But he could damn well change the future.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos give me the will to live


End file.
